Dear Internet,
First of all, I want to say that I’m proud of you. I’ve been thinking about it, and every single person I talk to on a regular basis has really gotten his or her shit together in 2008. Good for you, really. I’m proud of my friends and I think that if this weren’t the worst year of my life, it would probably be the best.
That’s the weird thing—since my dad died, I am actually a happier person. I am also an angrier person, and I feel like maybe more of a person, at least emotionally. I can’t detect any progress whatsoever in my mourning in the last 4 months…I still have random crying fits in the shower and while reading history books and other times when it seems totally nonsensical, and that’s frustrating and scary for me, but at the same time I have to be grateful for how much more than usual i’m inclined to just be happy.
I do not, in any way, mean to imply that my life is better without my dad in it; no sentence or paragraph could possibly express how much he added to my life and how much i miss him. But I inherited dad’s proclivity for existential crises, and there is nothing like tragedy to put things in the kind of perspective that has never come naturally to either of us. Watching my Uncle Jim lose his life made me feel like I really needed to live mine to the fullest, and I really credit that experience with getting over myself, busting out of the huge rut that characterized most of my college career, and getting my shit together. I’m very grateful for that, but right now this feels like Family Tragedy II : This Time It’s Personal. The underbudget, overdone, senseless, plotless sequel that never should have been made.
Anyway, that’s the abridged version of This Week in Memorly’s Emotions. I had to scrap my entire draft for this post because it was way too heavy. I’m really self-conscious about how many of my posts are about my dad’s death, but the truth is that everything else that I deal with seems either too edgy or of no consequence, and I really can’t write when I don’t think I have something to say.
So rather than continuing to never post, I’ve decided to work on censoring myself less on this blog. I censor very little in person, and question my judgment if you will, but my mom is generally heralded as a very wise and practical (and sexy, it should be noted) individual, and I tell her about pretty much everything I do and go through. So you can leave the parenting to her if you read future posts and have concerns. But I think this will be ok because really, Dad was the only person who ever had trouble handling what I chose to write about, and I’m pretty sure he knows it all now. Also, I feel very secure in my professional competence, so if someone wants to fire/not hire me because they read on this blog that I inhale, that’s ok with me. I am striving for more transparency and focus in my life, and I would like to write about progress and struggles in other areas of my life as well.
In a few minutes, I will go to the airport to fly to Miami and meet Tracey before we get on another plane for New Orleans. We’re going to have a bachelorette party there for Nicole, which is the funniest shit I’ve heard in a long time, as Nicole is not engaged or even attached. Other adventures are planned as well; pictures and stories to follow.
The summer is flying by…with Anne Marie’s (real) bachelorette party coming up (thanks to cousin David, we all have copies of the itinerary.) and several weddings and other trips on the way, there’s a lot I’m looking forward to.
I’ll eat some gumbo for you, Internet.