memorly dot com

hello, internet.

danny says that the more unhappy i am, the better i write. i’m about to disprove this theory, as i’m super agitated and about to unleash this completely disorganized rant on the universe. sorry in advance.

before i can write anything else on this site, i feel like i need to address the elephant in the room. so here goes:

i have been pretty miserable for months over the state of a few relationships with people who used to be incredibly important to me. i’ve spent a lot of time feeling anxious and depressed and responsible for things in these relationships not going as well as they might. and to some extent i must take some of the blame, but as far as i’m concerned, i’ve already done more than enough of that.

i have had a chain of epiphanies regarding these several failed friendships, which i now notice actually boils down to the same epiphany: fuck you. over time i have learned that cutting ties with someone who’s taken advantage of you hurts at the time but makes you happier in the end, and so i am officially ripping off the band-aid of codependency and letting go.

i really hate to admit errs of judgment because i think they reflect so poorly on my intelligence, but honestly, i’ve been pretty naive. i have realized that i tend to take people at their word when they claim to be these selfless, benevolent people…even when i have evidence to the contrary. i place so much value on these claims, yet because i am uncomfortable actually asking for or accepting favors, i can eat a lie like this up for months or even years. all i want is to think that my friends would have my back if i really needed them, and as long as I have that, i will invest everything i have in the relationship.

never before in my life has anything shaken up that status quo, but the experience of losing my dad really cast a new light on my friendships. where virtually every problem in my past i considered to be my own doing and within my power to correct alone, this is the first time in my life that i recall having a problem i felt was deserving of external support. and those friends who have loved to tell me all about how good, how loyal, how ride-or-die they are? those are the people who will send a card to your mother and carry on with calling you 3 times a week to talk about their problems. the friends you forgive for not understanding what you’re going through, but who are quick to give you hell for the slightest sin against them. the friends who revel in self-satisfaction at their own perceived benevolence. by the poolside. while you drown.

if i sound bitter about this, it’s because i am. if it seems uncharacteristic of me to just cut you out without warning, it’s because it is. this is a relatively drastic measure for me, but i’ve gotten to the end of my (relatively long) fuse and am just completely unwilling to budge any more. I could kick myself for the apologies i’ve given to people who won’t recognize or apologize when they’ve hurt me in the same way. i look back at this hell i’ve been through, and where the fuck were you? how did i even accept that? why was i apologizing to you in all of this? shame on you. shame on me.

because this is the internet and we all know the internet is dumb, i hope i’m not falsely worrying anyone. this post would not be your first clue that i’m done with you. rest assured that if i’ve talked to you about any of my own issues in the last two months, this is not about you. if you are in my family, this is not about you. if i know the favorite sports team and restaurant of each of your crushes, but you don’t know about any of the things that have made me cry this week, it probably does apply to you. If I am not returning your phone calls, it almost definitely applies to you.

if you want to try to fix this, i will listen to you talk. but i’m pretty sure that at this point, it’s not a communication issue.

the silver lining is that in all of this, i have found unexpected bonds with more modest friends, the quietly loyal ones who don’t feel the need to express their support with anything but action. I’ve decided to be more liberal with awarding family status to those people who have been around when it counted. the ones who have been like family to me. i won’t forget that kindness, especially now that i know intimately how it feels to have my own loyalty undervalued.

anyway, i hope that clears the air for brighter posts. i don’t like writing about this, i don’t like writing such jagged paragraphs, but i needed to say it. i’ll write about the nice things in life when i’m over being pissed off. to those of you keeping me sane right now, thank you. i love you more than you probably know.