some lists, because i like them.
reasons why i’m still a kid and thus feel cheated
- i have no idea when papaya is ripe
- i do not know how to move myself across the country
- i do not know anything about my car except how to drive it. and even that is iffy.
- i do not know how to end relationships without the paternal sanity check of, “are you sure you aren’t just on your period?”
(collective public, you are going to have to mentor me in these affairs)
and on a most positive note:
milestones in the grieving process, four weeks in
- i have adjusted to saying “my mom” in place of “my parents”
- i no longer have the nagging/unexplainable feeling that accepting Dad’s death is unacceptable. It’s not a situation i can be satisfied with, but I feel in a better place to accept it as reality and not buck against that.
- i am back to work and sometimes i actually even do some
ok, i feel better. on with the post.
my favorite soup is italian wedding. i am eating some right now because my apartment is about thirteen degrees and i’m frozen and cranky and trying to take care of myself. in college i would eat this whenever it was offered at the Loop and feel like i had hit the lottery. in fairness, during that time i also felt like i hit the lottery when i had matching, clean socks in the drawer or more than fifty dollars in my checking account, but though the newness of these other phenomena has long since worn off, italian wedding soup still gets me giddy.
one year at around this time i got very sick, and have a memory of watching from my bed as the door of my dorm room opened to reveal Ben, juggling a bounty of Loop soup and orange juice and cold medicine and other wonders that he’d assembled on my behalf. the unofficial student ambassador to all things food service, Ben had told Spencer from the Loop that I was sick and Spencer sent him packing with well wishes and centrum to speed my recovery. Ben beamed as he revealed these many treasures, knowing he had done well, and i sat up indian-style on the bed to receive them, feeling loved and cared for and appreciated and happy. aside from being freaking delicious, italian wedding soup reminds me that i have lived a beautiful life.
i can’t decide whether a history of contentedness leaves one better or worse off for dealing with depression. i think i’m subconsciously in the habit of estimating how my problems measure up to other peoples’ because usually that exercise provides a very good case for growing the fuck up and getting to work dealing with the problem instead of feeling sorry for myself. that approach is nearly useless in this scenario, because i’m quite comfortable with the idea that i’m allowed to feel sorry for myself. which somehow brings me to today’s thought-vomit about meaningful relationships and their connection to overall happiness.
do you ever feel like a professional bystander? maybe it’s just my nature to pull into myself when i have problems, but i am finding it very hard to relate to other people lately. this feels odd to me since usually i believe that’s what i do best. these days more than usual i’m the tourist, like i feel fortunate to have been an extra in a beautiful scene but i have no real connection or significance to it. for one reason or another, things I believe I’ve manufactured feel cheap and unholy and necessarily unbeautiful to me, so it’s hard to be proactive about correcting this situation.
in terms of overall effectiveness and desirability, i rank the lone warrior MO between leveraging tight bonds in an emotional crisis, and exploiting weaker ones. it isn’t that i don’t have plenty of wonderful people who want to help. i just can’t connect lately. i’m sure its frustrating for everyone. i try to keep in touch with a weak hope that maybe it will develop organically, but in the meantime i have plenty of distractions and many cans of italian wedding soup and i hope i’m not driving anyone crazy.
in other apartment happenings, S&P are nearly in full flight and are really fun to be around lately. They’re a lot more confident and interactive (and obviously, mobile), so that’s fun. Also, my tree is undergoing a major personal tranformation and has decided not to stop shedding until every leaf that existed before I ordered it is on the floor. Admittedly, that is less fun but I sort of have to admire its ambition. I was thinking about putting some christmas lights so it could be the saddest most charlie brown tree-ish tree ever, but I decided that’s too degrading to a tree that is just trying to come into its own (read: i’m too lazy to buy lights), so that plan is on hold for now.
happier post coming soon. with pictures!
According to Grandma..it is easier when the man you’ve loved was a good man…because you have good memories and all the good things that have come from that relationship. At some point that will be our experience, but for now, what you have been describing is completely normal as our brains try to process the unbelievable. Brains and hearts are amazing in how they protect us, and fortunately nature and nurture provided you with a great head and heart! Keep up the good work…and believe me..we all know it is hard work. Hang in there! Soup and lots of water help!xoxoxo
— Mary Ellen Dec 6, 11:38 PM [link]Baby Girl, According your list even your Mom is still a kid, but it is o.k. to feel cheated (I feel that way too.) I think the maturity part, is being thankful for the years we had of experiencing your Dad’s deep love. Within our big and caring family we have the answers to most the things we don’t know, and you will never want for Italian Wedding soup :-)
— I love you...Mom Dec 7, 02:20 PM [link]1)Papayas are ripe when they are soft to the touch and have some yellow to them….but like some other fruits that are sometimes picked too early..and ripen with help..they might not always taste like great Papayas should…………I don’t know when their season is but I will find out.
2)At your stage in life, you get a good job offer and when they tell you how much they will be paying you …you say expectantly..”and moving expenses” and then they tell you how much they will pay to have a mover move you. Even if they do not give you moving expenses (but this is assuming you decide to move before you have a good job…because typically a company hiring you is going to expect to move you unless you are getting a big pay increase….but in any case,,,,You call a nationally know (a few really to get estimates) movers….like Mayflower and Atlas and ask for quotes….You don’t have that much stuff..so they would probably add your stuff to someone else who is moving from further away than you…and put the other folks stuff in their big truck first,,,,then pick up your stuff and then drop your stuff off at your new place before they drop the other peoples off…or they might reverse that,,,,but they are very good at figuring this out and it is more cost effective than other ways of moving….
3) You have a car like mine…a ford ranger….good truck..take it to a reliable shop and you will be okay…have the oil changed every 3-5 months or every 5,000 miles if you use Mobil 1. Ask at work who is reliable. I understand the Achilles heel of Ford rangers is that the bolts that hold the cab to the frame sometimes deteriorate. So the next time someone puts it on a rack…say to rotate your tires (every 8,000-10,000 miles) ask tthem to check out those bolts. BTW there was a recall with the rangers regarding spontaneous fires arising from the cruise control equipment….you should call the dealer about this…they should do this work for free
Now before I say more let me tell you how proud I was at how independent I became before I met Al…I was bragging to Grandma and then Susan piped up and said, “Yeah, she doesn’t need a man (with some sarcasm!) she goes to the hardware store, or Murrays, or home depot…describes the problem to anyone who will listen until they tell her how to fix it” And really Mary that works very well!
3)In honor of your Dad…give every relationships an extra two weeks after you decide to end it…but maybe during those two weeks you could just be “too busy” for too much togetherness. (Actually, I am not an expert on this one..and no one can replace your Dad here…sadly I have no real good advice here.
Now the tourist thing…I think I know what you mean, I think I am feeling that as well…and I think that the hurt is so great and hole so big (and more for you than me) that right now you are so busy trying to deal with what has happened that there is just not enough emotional strength to reach out or reach back to other people..A friend who lost a daughter who was about 22 in a car accident and of course was totally devastated said to me a few years later that “you get happy again, but you are never quite the same” and I think that is right. We are all changed by this loss…and it does not have to be all bad…when the pain is less, I think we will see ways we are stronger, more appreciative of each other and value more some of the things your father taught us. But it’s too early for that,….
I think some mandarin oranges would be a good desert after the wedding soup—just free advice on this last one.
I love you.and I hope this weekend is easier and better than the last…
BTW I had the courage to look at the video tape from the June party and while the camera was too far away to hear voices there were several times where you just gave your Dad a big hug…
— Anne Mckee Dec 8, 01:06 AM [link]Most cars in the united states have fuel-injected 4-cycle liquid-cooled gasoline internal combustion engines.
These engines use 3 fluids: gasoline, oil, and coolant.
The main mechanical part of the engine is the pistons and cylinders. You probably have seen illustrations of these and can probably imagine what these are. They are like plungers in syringes.
Life of gasoline: it is sprayed into the the cylinder by the fuel injector. Then the piston pushes into the cylinder and compresses the air-fuel mixture. More or less at the point of highest compression, the spark plug creates an electric spark and ignites the mixture, pushing the cylinder back. Then the cylinder comes back like it did before… why? To compress fuel-air mix again? No. To push out the exhaust. Hence, 4 cycles. 2-functions in each direction.
The higher the compression of the fuel-air mixture, the more force comes out of igniting it. This is harder on engine components, and also requires higher octane fuel. This is why some cars require high octane fuel—because they have high compression ratios. a normal sedan will have a compression ratio of something like 8 or 9. Higher performance cars, 10 and I think approaching 11. I’m not sure what is the highest supported by commercial fuel. At race tracks in Michigan, they will be selling racing fuel for 4 dollars a gallon (in 1998 anyway) that supports compression ratios of 13.
Life of oil: it lives on the other side of the engine from the fuel injectors. It is splashed or sprayed up onto the cylinders when the pistons are pushed in, and generally just lubricates the surface between the piston and the cylinder. Several metal rings scrape back the oil when the piston is going back. When a car is burning oil (blue smoke) it’s because the seal between these rings and the cylinder isn’t great any more, either because they are mechanically in bad shape (requires engine rebuild), or I think also when oil gets old and dirty.
Coolant is just generally pumped all around in various places in the engine to collect heat, and through the big radiator in front to let the heat go, in a network that is completely separate from anything involving fuel or oil. If an engine is burning coolant (white smoke) that means something is completely fucked up.
Coolant is made from various kinds of alcohol and has a very high boiling point, which allows it to be in a useful state at high engine temperatures. If a substance has a high boiling pressure, what other property does it also have? think back to high school chemistry A low freezing point—aka, “antifreeze”. Which is handy because then your coolant does not freeze in the winter when the engine is sitting around turned off (like water would). I’m fairly certain that the primary motivation for using alcohol instead of water was never so that coolant did not freeze in the winter, and that is why I always say coolant instead of antifreeze.
Also, coolant is sweet and dogs like to drink it when they find it on the garage floor, and then they die. :-(
Variations:
Before there were fuel injectors, there were “carburetors”. I’m actually not sure what the structure of a carburetor is, but basically, the air-fuel mixture is mixed up and is generally in the area of the cylinder when it needs to be there and only comes in via atmospheric pressure. I think.
Some cars are not liquid cooled but air cooled. None manufactured today are air cooled, other than the original VW bugs (which are still manufactured in mexico). They have this huge awesome fan in the very front. This makes them easier to maintain but less efficient. Also I think some random Porche was air cooled until a surprisingly late date, like sometime in the 80s.
I don’t think there are any 2 cycle cars out there, but there are 2 cycle mopeds and such. and all lawnmowers, weed whackers, etc. Even a lot of engines on big fancy boats. 2 cycle engines combine all the functions into 2 cycles instead of 4. So the exhaust is pushed out and in that same stroke, the fuel is introduced. These engines require a fuel-oil mixture in the tank. Or they mix it together, but the point is, you have to keep adding oil. They are considerably less efficient (the oil has to be combusted and/or exhausted).
Diesel engines do not have spark plugs. The ignition happens from compression alone. Does that blow your mind? I forget what compression ratio they have, but I’m fairly certain that they all have to be exactly the same, since it’s fixed to the ignition point of diesel when compressed. Also they are all fuel injected.
All suspension systems are the same as long as they allow the wheels to stay parallel to the ground, which they have done fairly well since ralph nader began his career. Transmissions are completely boring. Brakes do exactly what you think they do.
That is everything about every car.
— John Dec 16, 05:44 AM [link]