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You’ve probably already heard me tell the story of the time I got a sculling lesson by one of the best singles rowers in our club, because oddly, it’s one of my favorites. In case you haven’t, though:

The lesson was offered to me out of the blue, and it was an absolute honor to be asked. skeptical as to whether i really deserved such personal attention, i was very, very nervous.

The hour came and we found ourselves bobbing in the detroit river, alternately passing/observing the other, as he talked and i hung onto every word as though it would one day save my life. “the thing you have to keep in mind about rowing a single,” my instructor said, “is that you’re all you’ve got. nobody else can do it fo-”

I’d been sitting with my arms locked to my chest, left fist over right because right over left means you’re in the water, and i’d have rather died than flip in front of such a rowing god. surely, nothing would say more clearly that i wasn’t worth teaching than tipping my single—only noobs do that.

It was thanks to this paralyzing anxiety that I had a front row seat to what happened next. At the most ironic point in the pep talk possible, my companion lost his train of thought along with his balance, and flopped unceremoniously into the murky water.

Something about this experience really resonated with me, and at some point, you are all you’ve got, crystallized in my mind as the only thing you can ever really say for sure in life.

Those words pop into my mind all the time, almost like a little prayer to myself. Sometimes it means to me what he meant it to initially—that you have to make things happen for yourself through mindfulness and hard work. other times, i take it the way that moment happened. sometimes you’re going to be a total klutz, no matter how much planning or preparation you put into the moment. you can’t take yourself too seriously because ultimately, you don’t get to decide how it’s all going to go down.

I’ve been thinking that i may create problems for myself by wanting to wrap myself in the security of stable relationships with loyal, reliable people; i get so frustrated when those in my inner circle don’t provide the predictability i seek and at least attempt to provide them. If there was any part of the “you are all you’ve got” philosophy I failed to subscribe to before now, it was a lingering romantic idea that somewhere there was a person i’d meet one day and that would be that, and we’d make room for each other in our lives and build something new, stronger than either of us individually. And we’d both be safe because no matter what happened, we’d always have the other. I really felt that if I was disciplined about settling for nothing less, on a long enough timeline, finding this kind of relationship was inevitable.

But that’s stupid. You can plan out your life and do everything right and it doesn’t do a damn thing to stop tragedy from striking. Nothing is guaranteed, and that isn’t very romantic to think about, but I figure i could stand to make peace with this fact. as much as i feel like i’m not getting something i need, it seems a much more sustainable plan to just learn not to need it.

Like most, i’d imagine, i’ve done a lot of things in my life that I thought i wouldn’t be able to do. and this hurts a lot but i’m getting used to the idea that there’s no salvation that’s going to come from anybody else…and maybe the water’s choppy, but i’ve got myself, and that’s as much as anybody’s got going for them ever, so i’ll probably be alright.