In an airport last December I recorded my thoughts about all the gift exchanges I’d witnessed during my trip home and the lessons I wanted to remember for the next year. I transcribed these thoughts in an email to a close friend and, remembering this, thought it might be interesting to share them before the holidays.
This marks the first time I’ve gone back to read any of these emails, as the friend and I have (not unintentionally) lost touch. There are so many to sift through…I’ve not before or since sent anyone such regular and honest emails. It’s sort of a gift in itself to have such a thorough catalog of my thoughts, even if it does make me sad to read them. writing in a blog is not as satisfying as I might have hoped. When writing a nonjudgmental friend, you focus on articulating yourself accurately. When writing a blog entry, you focus on expressing anything on your mind without offending someone important to you.
I look at these emails where I’ve carefully recorded my exact perceptions/reactions and thought, there are probably plenty of thoughts/theories/stories here that might interest the people who read memorly.com. But going through them, there’s really not one thing I’ve written that I know I could open up to the world without repercussion. So instead I made a linear collage of things I said last december, which I’ll post (for those who were there and would like a trip down memory lane) but encourage you to skip:
Solipsism. I thought of it yesterday after we got off the phone, sorry. He said he thought that would be a memory that stayed in his head for a long time. no word for ‘realize’...we learned to say “this morning I woke up and ‘understood’ that i forgot to set my alarm”, which I think is very zen, and also pleasing. the latter list can be distilled to the reasons why anyone might not get into a romantic relationship, yet we all consciously get into them anyway. I enjoyed myself and i didn’t feel weird about sitting alone. I really love Yann Tiersen’s Le Jour d’avant, until the very end when it turns from the best song i’ve heard in recent history, to a symphony of pure evil. hung them on a string of christmas lights on the wall. these are all among my favorite things. it has been a long time since an ordinary weekend turned out that well. she was cool about it, and i realize that she has been pretty cool all along. I noticed you had dog-eared that page, and i was pleased to think of us stopping the story at the same time, like I was momentarily you, a month ago. i feel like i have failed at this email. i don’t want to put him on the spot; i never want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. i also don’t want to spend new years alone. if i ran the universe, i would make impossible for people to purchase gifts for 2 weeks before christmas. i cannot do more than one thing at a time, so i guess i’ll just send this and attend to this pear. i am increasingly anxious about this fruit even though i have more to say. later, i saw her in a theater and she was antagonizing me so i ripped a button off her coat. i hated everything about this dream. No, I never feel as though my work is not productive. I agree that computers are stressful when they’re driving you. I got a completely unnecessary phone call from her at 4:30, and it made me so anxious that I immediately became sick again and had trouble walking home. I had to cancel. Funny that a call i’m sure was intended to make sure that i went wound up ensuring that i didn’t. We had lunch the next day. He nods and agrees and shows you how much he agrees by saying something that is in direct conflict with what everyone is saying. He knows that I will be thrilled if he comes. what is with everyone doing me all these “favors”? I am very happy to be alone on New Years because if no one I care about is in Durham, then I’d rather be alone than hang out with someone I only like superficially. I thought I’d write this email and then go to bed. it’s an excellent virus you can give to everyone you meet. I thought something similar today, when writing a letter, that i referred to my kitchen as “the kitchen”. He has one also. happy new year!
I’m still not sure if I’m glad I read those or brought it up at all. My life is less exciting than it was a year ago, but that’s because I’m less of a train wreck. I’m happier now on the whole, I think.
I did find the email about gifts but forgot that I had only gotten partway through the list before having to go. The items I did record are here:
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as the receiver of a gift:
*never allude to preexisting knowledge/awareness of an obscure gift. most of the best gifts are things you didn’t know existed, because if you knew and really loved it as much as they think you will, you’d already own it. this is true of all people who have their own incomes, where you aren’t dazzling someone with your ability to buy things they can’t afford. “wow, this is so cool” is still a better thing to say than “these are great, my boss has one and i’ve always been jealous”. “i’ve been looking EVERYWHERE for this, where did you find it?!” is debatable.
and, as the giver:
*the best gifts are permanent or transient. no one wants more clutter/bullshit in their lives. when you can’t find something new and perfect, i think it’s nice to give the very best version that exists of something that the person already owns and uses, or something that they can enjoy and then toss without guilt. my brother and I got my dad (the family gardener) professional grade pruning shears. he really was happy, said we ‘hit the ball right out of the park’ by giving him something that would make many spring and summer days more pleasant and allow him to throw away his old ones that weren’t so great. on the other end of the spectrum, my aunt gave her brother and his new wife a package where gourmet foods would be delivered to their house whenever they wanted/were ready for it. I thought, for them, that was very practical and thoughtful.
*if you have to explain what something is or why the person wants it, you probably failed. “i thought you would like this because you always [do this thing]” or “i thought this would go really well with [that one thing you wear/own]” or ”[i am nervously giving away the one clue i used to try to project a working knowledge of your taste and generally, you as a person]”...bad. yet i do do this.
*it should always be clear how many items you’ve given. how awkward is it when you miss a gift? gift bags are HORRIBLE when done wrong. Decorative containers that are a gift in themselves can pose the same threat. Are you giving me a jewelry box or an engagement ring? If you do not adequately inspect the container, you look disinterested, and if you look too closely, it’s worse…like they couldn’t have possibly thought their gift can stand alone. Everyone feels bad. I think when giving multiple gifts (that will be opened in front of an audience), one should stick to stacked, wrapped gifts. If you need to use a gift bag, your gifts must be similarly sized and the bag should be no bigger than necessary. Tissue paper labyrinths are unnecessary and cruel…there is one right way to do tissue and innumerable wrong ways.
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The rest of my notes remain at large, but you get the idea. This was meant to be a very different post. Also, gift is German for poison. Happy holidays!