while searching for my Oracle account name in gmail this week, i found transcript of a gchat conversation i had with my dad a little more than a year ago. a crazy amount of it felt very applicable to my current life, so i thought i’d share some of the parts i don’t think he’d mind me publishing.
i could publish books’ worth of smart stuff my dad’s said to me, but this one little conversation touched on several things I’ve been thinking of a lot lately, and I think a few other people in my life would benefit from reading it too…either for nostalgia or perspective. so, here we go.
(09:52:19) McTom1224: hahaha
(09:52:21) McTom1224: now
(09:52:26) McTom1224: let me say
(09:52:35) McTom1224: i am very proud of you
(09:52:47) McTom1224: i think you have done a wonderful job
(09:52:55) McTom1224: with your life so far
(09:52:58) McTom1224: but….
(09:53:16) McTom1224: i thin you got (from me probably)
(09:53:31) McTom1224: a tendency to take yourself too seriously
(09:53:37) memorly: hahahahaha
(09:53:41) McTom1224: to feel too much obligation
(09:53:46) McTom1224: to others
(09:53:59) McTom1224: to brood and worry too much
(09:54:18) memorly: have you gotten better with that?
(09:54:27) McTom1224: w2ho needs a fargin keyboarding class?
(09:54:40) McTom1224: yes, some day….no, others
(09:54:48) McTom1224: it’s a struggle
(09:54:55) memorly: hahahhahaha at w2ho
(09:55:00) memorly: yeah
(09:55:02) memorly: see my plan was
(09:55:04) memorly: y’know
(09:55:06) memorly: just kinda
(09:55:08) memorly: be crazy forever?
(09:55:13) memorly: it’s better if you own it, i think.
(09:55:23) McTom1224: you have to accept
(09:55:50) McTom1224: that your “crazy” is better than most peoples’ “normal”
that’s mostly just an introduction to the conversation, although it’s meaningful to me personally since lately I’ve spent a lot of time considering the idea that i might be somewhat blind to the craziness of people i love. when i think about one recent experience, it’s kind of terrifying to me how oblivious i can be to someone’s issues, how much i can make something my problem to solve when the issue is distinctly and hopelessly theirs. how i can spend so much time thinking about the other person’s emotional needs that i miss the part where they have no capacity whatsoever to be sensitive to mine.
nope. over that, thanks. next.
(10:12:55) McTom1224: it’s important to remember
(10:13:03) McTom1224: that education is a tool
(10:13:14) McTom1224: the “job” is to be happy
(10:13:28) McTom1224: and yes, money helps
(10:13:31) memorly: yeah, i do notice a lot of people making themselves miserable
(10:13:35) memorly: just so people think they’re smart
(10:13:36) McTom1224: and a prestigious job
(10:13:47) McTom1224: but
(10:14:04) McTom1224: at the end of your life…..
(10:14:12) McTom1224: you DIE
(10:14:29) McTom1224: no matter how much you suffered for
your education or career
(10:14:33) McTom1224: so
(10:14:46) McTom1224: if it didn’t make your life more enjoyable
(10:14:52) McTom1224: you made a mistake
(10:14:55) McTom1224: sometimes
(10:15:00) McTom1224: i worry
(10:15:12) McTom1224: that your mom and me
(10:15:31) McTom1224: put maybe a bit too much emphasis
(10:15:42) McTom1224: on instilling in you the idea
(10:16:04) McTom1224: that you are and were destined to be “the
best”
(10:16:14) McTom1224: when what we really want(ed)
(10:16:25) McTom1224: is for you to be the happiest
(10:16:33) McTom1224: (cause that is the best)
i think i want another degree way more than i actually want to go to grad school. i think that’s a dumb reason to go to grad school. i think i’m going to not go and not beat myself up over it. i’ll revisit this in the future if i become convinced that it would help my career, but right now that’s really murky.
(10:26:50) McTom1224: i am going to school for only one reason
(10:26:59) McTom1224: to change my karma
(10:27:19) McTom1224: i really haven’t any reason to think that i’ll go as far as a degree
(10:27:30) McTom1224: though i AM going to try for the certificate
(10:27:38) McTom1224: rather….
(10:27:51) McTom1224: i was just getting too uncomfortable in my
own skin
(10:27:59) McTom1224: what i was doing wasn’t working
(10:28:18) memorly: i know that feeling
(10:28:18) McTom1224: ‘and i needed to change my daily
experience’
(10:28:40) McTom1224: so ….if it feels bad, try a change is my
thought
(10:28:49) McTom1224: not a HUGE change
(10:29:00) McTom1224: that would be crazy
(10:29:10) McTom1224: since so many things ARE good
(10:29:22) McTom1224: and think of this as it relates to you
(10:29:32) McTom1224: good health
(10:29:35) McTom1224: good brain
(10:29:40) McTom1224: good education
(10:30:14) McTom1224: good job (maybe you don’t think so every
day, that’s why they call it a job and you get paid)
(10:30:28) McTom1224: good loving family
(10:30:46) McTom1224: no huge dark secrets in your past
(10:30:58) McTom1224: and all your life before you
(10:31:33) McTom1224: my guess
(10:32:06) McTom1224: is that ALL thinking people have doubts
and things that they are uncomfortable with
(10:32:19) McTom1224: but most think these things are peculiar to
them
(10:32:30) McTom1224: and so they deny them
(10:32:49) McTom1224: in an effort to try to be like their
perceptions of other people
(10:32:57) McTom1224: instead
(10:33:15) McTom1224: i’m trying to make frinds with my doubts and worries
(10:33:35) McTom1224: but hold them at arm’s length at the same time
(10:33:56) McTom1224: can’t beat ‘em, but not exactly gonna join ‘em ether
(10:34:00) McTom1224: just accept them
i just think this is really good advice, generically. and i know a few people who might benefit from hearing it, so there it is.
(10:36:27) McTom1224: i hope this doesn’t sound corny
(10:36:51) McTom1224: but i listen frequently to “dr. joy brown”
(10:36:58) McTom1224: on the radio
(10:37:04) McTom1224: have you heard of her?
(10:37:40) memorly: you’ve mentioned her in passing
(10:38:00) McTom1224: both of your grandmas loved to listen to
her on the radio
(10:38:07) McTom1224: she’s a psychologist
(10:38:23) McTom1224: and people call in with their problems and
questions
(10:38:41) McTom1224: and unlike dr. laura, she is not a judgmental bitch
(10:38:45) McTom1224: many time
(10:38:51) McTom1224: people call in
(10:39:00) McTom1224: they have lost a mate
(10:39:04) McTom1224: or divorced
(10:39:16) memorly: hahahahaha (dr. laura)
(10:39:16) McTom1224: or moved and felt isolated
(10:39:24) McTom1224: and her advice
(10:39:33) McTom1224: is always similar to:
(10:40:02) McTom1224: find a worthy charity to volunteer with
(10:40:21) McTom1224: or join a club that interests you
(10:40:28) McTom1224: but the key thing she says
(10:40:49) McTom1224: is that it usually will be painful to make
yourself do this
(10:40:56) McTom1224: but is well worth the effort
(10:41:20) McTom1224: i could see you DEFINITELY in a
mentoring role
(10:42:23) McTom1224: or maybe bringing a bit of your sunshine
toolder p[eople who have lost their mobility
(10:42:43) McTom1224: i have observed in you for quite a while
(10:43:10) McTom1224: a “sadness” or at leat a sense of
discontent
(10:43:33) McTom1224: maybe i would interpret it as a disappointment
(10:43:42) McTom1224: that for as hard as you have worked
(10:43:53) McTom1224: and all the sacrifices you have made
(10:44:01) McTom1224: you are not “happier”
(10:44:07) McTom1224: am i close?
(10:44:17) memorly: yes
(10:44:30) McTom1224: i think you are too much like me
(10:44:34) McTom1224: sorry….....
(10:44:40) McTom1224: in that area
(10:44:59) McTom1224: happiness for me is something i have to
work at
(10:45:07) McTom1224: damned if i know why
(10:45:25) McTom1224: others have a very good reason to be jealoous of the life i have
(10:52:42) McTom1224: anyway
(10:53:05) McTom1224: i always loved how happy you were as a
baby and young child
(10:53:19) McTom1224: and i felt bad when the world started to weigh on you a bit
(10:53:34) McTom1224: because i was very familiar with that
(10:53:41) McTom1224: and now
(10:54:03) McTom1224: i feel better tahat i have delivered the
important message
(10:54:16) McTom1224: that it doesn’t go away with age
(10:54:28) McTom1224: you have to work at chasing it away
(10:54:36) McTom1224: but
(10:54:40) McTom1224: you still win
(10:54:54) McTom1224: because even though you have this
burden
(10:55:01) McTom1224: you still have all you need
(10:55:08) McTom1224: and much more than most
(10:55:18) McTom1224: to live a happy life
we talked a while more after that about volunteering, and i made an appointment the next day to get into that. it’s good advice—when all else fails, try to get over yourself.
and just because i was too nostalgic to snip this out of the conversation:
(12:15:54) McTom1224: have a great afternoon
(12:15:58) McTom1224: i love you
(12:16:01) McTom1224: xox
(12:16:04) memorly: :-D
(12:16:09) McTom1224: over and out
(12:16:19) McTom1224 logged out.
McTom1224 is still on my buddy list.
Oh Sweety You made me cry …I miss my best friend soo very much and I could see Him speak as i read the words…he did have some good advice to pass on…life is tough Mary K…but you are a trooper….trained by the best and You will prevail…and if any one gives you grief just call me and i will punch them in the belly for you…. Hang in there Sweety ….I Love you !!!....uncle jim
— uncle Jim Apr 29, 09:07 PM [link]Oh Mary…I am so glad you put this up. It made me cry….but it was so much your Dad,.,,,and very good advice…>Thanks…I love you…He loved you …A lost of us love you…we were lucky to have had him and you and Pete are gifts he gave the rest of us.
— Aunt Anne Apr 29, 10:41 PM [link]Thanks so much for sharing this Mary. IT is the lesson your dad gave many of us…even if it took until this year to get it! I love you too! And…yes, he’s still on my list too! xoxox ME
— Mary Ellen Apr 30, 12:16 AM [link]Sometimes it’s tricky knowing what to do next because the person that got us to where we are isn’t who we are now.
I’ve been reading a book by a Buddhist monk and one of the things that stood out for me was the notion that meditation isn’t something you have a separate time for, it’s something you do all the time as you go about your daily activities. I think this could be relevant in that people often pursue “happiness” by avoiding spending significant time with themselves. Being comfortable with who we are now may be one of the ways we find the power to diverge from expectations and push the personal envelope a bit.
Hope you have a good day. I’m impressed you and your dad talked with each other so candidly. It’s really cool when adult children and parents interact with each other as adults.
— Brett Apr 30, 12:51 PM [link]