I’ve had a hard time finding things to write here lately. Everything is either very mundane or kinda private. I’m pretty open about stuff that’s completely internal but few things truly are, and I try not to write about other peoples’ business on the internet because I like having friends.
But it’s been a while so I’m going to take a crack at writing something.
This is on my mind a lot lately: I’m going to be 25 in two weeks. It’s a weird age—like, are you really still a kid at 25? Are you an adult? Are these labels even significant? I know that since Dad died, I’ve talked a lot about being/becoming a ‘real’ adult. I guess on some level I feel that there’s a mature approach to this kind of situation and a childish one, and I’m at a place in my life where I have some control over which path I take, so I should be mindful and deliberate about my response. I notice myself finding a lot of comfort in signs of transition, reminders that life is moving on—not for wanting to move on as much as wanting to reassure myself that I can. I am almost nonsensically excited about the new apartment. I’ve loved my current one for the last two years but suddenly it feels like a prison. I’m always anticipating the phaseout, sitting in this beautiful place and thinking, can i just fucking move on already?
That sums up my feelings about a lot of things lately, to be honest.
Despite all this, though, I’m happy to report that the birthday/mourning/relationship entropy have (so far) triggered none of the existential feelings to which I can be prone. I attribute this to having an extra great network, and especially lately. I feel very loved and supported and like things are, and will be, ok.
Which reminds me about something I’ve been meaning to say for a while. sometimes I feel like all my posts turn into what some college admissions teams would call standard epiphany essays. yawn. the quiet times are probably not as interesting to read about as the frantic, passionate ones, but i don’t want to sensationalize. I try to end things on a good note when i’m not totally miserable; i just hope it doesn’t come off as trite.
I used to have a thing where I’d compare kinds of emotional pain to different spices. Like fighting with a boyfriend obviously takes the wasabi curve, where it’s strong and painful and punches you in the face immediately and then, just as quickly, it’s a distant memory. Grieving is more of a curry curve. The first five seconds aren’t the worst of it, and it’s not so time-bound or escapable. Water doesn’t help. You have a long time to process it and that’s good because you’ll be tasting it a while. But writing about the burn every day doesn’t feel like a very good use of energy.
So that’s me today. I’ve had this cold for approximately 87 years and i’m sort of ready for it to be over. But it’s hard to be too glum at the beginning of a 3-day weekend and now, I’m off to find something happy to do :)
I love our new ‘Darjeeling Limited’ approach [you still need to see that ASAP, I say]. I’m sipping hot tea in bed nursing my cold, contemplating your post. When I used to move every year I remember the 3 months before how I would just kinda cease to push into the life there. You let entropy take over.
Next time I see you, you’re going to be in that new place. Isn’t that exciting?
— AKG Jan 19, 09:41 AM [link]