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So I missed the Academy Awards, not having a television, and I’m feeling really out of touch with today’s small-talk topics of choice. Thus, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to make my own awards for the exceptional things I did see this year week.

Awards are assigned arbitrarily by me and categories are pulled from the domain of all things possible.

So without further ado, here are this year’s categories:

BEST SOCIAL OUTLET ONLINE: World of Warcraft

I used to think that WoW was the least productive time investment ever. Then, yesterday, I got to thinking…the one thing in life that would convince me that I was really on my game is getting involved in more activities that require me to meet and interact with other people. But I meet people in the game every day out of necessity, because teamwork and interaction is part of the game, not because we’re all sitting around trying to make friends.

The social aspect isn’t big enough for people to play a game they don’t enjoy just because they’re lonely, so it’s hard for me to think of an environment where two people (not knowing anything about the race, gender, age, or level of attractiveness of the other) could be less likely to meet with an immediate conflict of agenda. It’s not the same as spending quality time with a close friend, but I like the novelty and have made several friends in the game who I’d definitely try to see if I were in their area.

BEST SOCIAL OUTLET OFFLINE: ...

Wow, i should really get a life. I’ll tell you what is definitely not the best social outlet offline, though: this week I went to a meetup for local computer programmers, and realized that if we’re not talking science, I do not want to be involved. It’s funny what a social disadvantage not having ever watched Star Trek puts me at with that group. Furthermore, I’m glad that so many people are excited about Ruby on Rails, but the propaganda campaign is starting to get to me. I mean, I love working with Rails and hope to do it for some time. I think it’s elegant and logical and practical and just all-around smart. That having been said, as far as I’m concerned, Ruby is still in the same family as its retarded little sister, PHP. Rails is a lightweight way to handle a great deal of problems with minimal overhead, but I’m tired of hearing the radicals tell me about how an interpreted language is the best choice for every application. My fandom stops just short of the “the right tool for the right job, but the right tool is always Rails GO US WE WON LOLZZZZZ /self-grats” sentiment.

</rant>

BEST MEDICAL NIGHTMARE SURVIVORS: Victims of canker sores

When I was a kid, I would occasionally develop a little sore on the inside of my cheek. They were pretty harmless and I didn’t get them for years until this week, when I got two (later fusing together to make one superulcer on the inside of my mouth below my lower lip). It hurt to move my mouth even the slightest bit, which is awful problem to have when as an individual you struggle with the ability to shut up.

I had always used the term “canker sore” and “cold sore” interchangeably, but I’m here to educate the masses: these are different beasts. Cold sores, as most know, are a kind of herpes. Canker sores, contrary to popular belief, are not. This news can be devastating to those of us whose only consolation in times of severe oral ulceration is making jokes about having herpes and how bad it is. We at memorly.com would like to recognize the overlooked victims of these silent killers. Your drama won’t drown us out, herpes elitists.

WORST FAMILY OF BIRDS TO BUY: conures

I was a little upset about this yesterday, seeing some family at Petco about to buy an adorable baby sun conure. Going to Petco crushes my soul as it is, but this was almost too much. I only post this because my logs suggest that people frequently find this blog through google queries, and if I can stop just one family from buying a conure, I will consider this post a major victory. Sun Conures are frequently sold at Petco because they’re breathtakingly beautiful and the little hand-fed babies are gregarious and almost irresistible. Conures are sirens in both senses of the word—you want them despite their reputation, and then you get one and go deaf because you live with a sentient air horn. Plenty of people have great relationships with conures, but those people don’t buy their birds at Petco. I had to grab my millet and leave because in the five minutes it took me to find the essentials, I heard the salesman tell three definite lies to a family that clearly had no bird experience. It’s so sad to see this bird’s future…happy and bubbly through the honeymoon period, frustrated and screechy when the fanfare dies off and suddenly it feels ignored, obnoxious and depressed when relegated to living under a towel because the family’s sick of listening to the desperate squawking. Please don’t buy a conure if you don’t know why you’re a special case.

CUTEST THING ANY LIVING CREATURE HAS EVER DONE: Sophie making a dress out of a napkin

In happy bird news, last night I was cleaning the area where the birds’ playgym normally is, so I temporarily moved it to the counter. Little did I know, this was like Christmas for Sophie and Picasso. They delighted in finding a pile of change that they picked up, coin by coin, and tossed on the floor. Then they went for a pile of paper napkins. Since the damage was already done, I let them go nuts with the napkins—-and go nuts they did. Picasso started making a racket, so I looked up to see Sophie running around with a napkin she chewed a hole in and slipped over her head, like a little homemade ghost costume or wedding dress. I lunged for the camera but sadly didn’t get to it in time :(

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Anyhow, that’s today’s glimpse into my diverse and exciting world. I have assurance that my tree comes on Wednesday, so I’m hoping for a picture post soon.