It’s officially fall, huh? This is good because a) it’s my favorite season, b) the weather is gorgeous, and c) Francesca’s has pumpkin gelato right now and it’s pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
It’s also not good (the season, not the gelato—let’s not be blasphemous), because the weather is doing too good of a job of reinforcing that everything around me is dying. That sounds way more dramatic than I want it to—I’m not pessimistic about what the next season will bring, it’s just hard to let go in the meantime. I can’t sleep well and everything makes me cry, even though I think beautiful things are on the horizon. So many things have changed so quickly; I wonder if someday I’ll feel again that there are any constants in life, but in the meantime my strategy is to work on my versatility. I think I actually do ok in that mode so I’m not too worried about myself and you shouldn’t be either.
But enough about me. In today’s episode of Blind Leading the Blind, I’m going to talk about what I mean when I tell my friends that they’re thrashing, because I think lately many of them are and I never explain it when they ask since I only think of it in the context of conversations that are necessarily more urgent than making the conversation about me to hash out dumb theories. Anyway, here it is.
If you’ve ever tried to rescue/contain a desperate and scared animal, you will notice that it thrashes about, trying to get out of its enclosure. You would (and should) have been worried, but not about it breaking free. If there’s a plausible method of escape, it won’t occur to the animal while it’s so preoccupied with the theatrics. You need to worry because it will almost certainly find a way to injure itself in the process.
Most people don’t seem to fare better in this scenario. A person who cannot see an escape from an unpleasant situation will also thrash about, frantically overcorrecting each action quicker than they can observe how it plays out. Boyfriend getting a little too close to his cute classmate? Break up with him. Then run back to him in tears and ask him to marry you. Plan a trip to Vegas but refuse to go to the airport at the last minute because who does he think he is, trying to marry you while flirting with that hussy right under your nose. You should obviously quit your job. And maybe your best friend. And replace those with alcohol and Chris Carraba, because nobody understands you. boo.
Advice to thrashers? Stop. Breathe. Look for a way out. Think of your advice to the caged animal. And if that doesn’t work, think of your pride. And if that doesn’t work, think of the scientific method. And if that doesn’t work, it is time to bring in a professional1.
So those are my thoughts about thrashing. If I seem sort of catatonic lately, it’s because I’m stopping, breathing. Figuring stuff out. I realized not too long ago that every truly great thing that has ever happened to me immediately followed a dark time when I thought everything was going to hell…sometimes I like to think of of the look on the face of a younger me if the current me could go back in time and give that me a preview of how wonderful it all turned out. In the midst of all this chaos, I am comforted by the idea that Future Mary is knowingly laughing at Present Mary. I mean really, how bad could it all be.
Oh and Dad, you will be happy to know that I got my oil changed. I was thinking about live-blogging that event, but instead I decided to whine all over the internet.
Susan and JJ and Anna and Lizzie might be in town this weekend and I really hope they are because I love them all very much. Expect a picture update!
1 Chris Carraba is a bitch, not a professional. I know the nuances are delicate.
Pumpkin gelato?
I wish (probably in vain) that this would still be around when I arrive in December.
Whatever we have at Francesca’s, I promise I won’t thrash anymore.
The universal wounded animal is almost to the zen.
xoxo.
— AKG Oct 21, 01:00 PM [link]I’m glad you got your oil changed. You will find cars to be more dependable than most people with much less maintenance.
— your dad Oct 23, 01:51 PM [link]Nice web design. Incorporating the colors from pictures is working well here. =)
I think… Stop. Breathe. That’s good advice for those situations where you feel like you’ve lost control and you feel compelled to take any action to escape how you feel in that moment. Ultimately being conscious of your fears and acting with them instead of because of them will lead you out of your darkness. The journey may be longer and harder, but it’s a helluva lot more likely to take you somewhere you want to be.
Do you think referring to someone as a thrasher (and likening them to a frightened animal) might add an element of judgment to a situation where they really need to feel accepted for who they are? I think people often get into thrashing situations by seeking approval and acceptance by conforming to other people’s expectations instead of developing their own sense of self worth. If you value yourself and what you’re doing you’re less likely to want to change everything.
The distinction between “you are a thrasher” and “wake up! you are thrashing” is surprisingly significant.
Lately I’ve been more conscious of wanting a group of friends that accept me for who I am and appreciate the challenges I present instead of making their acceptance contingent on me performing a predefined role. I want to say “unconditionally accepting”, but that’s too high of a standard. Maybe just being willing to try is enough.
— Brett Oct 24, 02:44 PM [link]Well, I think calling an evaluation “surprisingly significant” adds an element of judgment to a situation where it isn’t necessarily warranted, but your point is nonetheless well taken :) Here I meant ‘thrasher’ to mean someone who is currently thrashing, in the greater now. Although I know people I would characterize as thrashers, and unfairly as I agree with you on that point, I am unconvinced that a person exists who has never fallen prey to this sort of impulse.
It’s interesting to me that you bring this up, because I was just reading an opinion piece by a woman who says that to fully love someone, you must be brave enough to accept that they are always changing, and always try to perceive them as they are in the current moment. I liked the article and have been trying to work on that in my life. I think many people in my life are alienated by my behavior because they still think I’m who I was at 21 or 17 or 2. At the same time, sometimes the greatest gift a friend can offer me is to remind me of who I am (at least to them) in moments of self-doubt, to help put the looming future in proper context. Like most things, I guess, the difference between being a good friend and a bad one is whether you treat them with love. And I’m not going to qualify what kind of love I mean because I think you’ll agree that there’s only one kind. That’s funny, isn’t it…’love’ is the only word I can think of that can be used as a euphemism for the opposite of itself. How awkward. And now we’re having this discussion online so I’m going to get back to it :)
— memorly Oct 24, 04:15 PM [link]